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  • [background music]
  • Ellen: My slipper! Stan! [groans] At least he didn’t touch this one.
  • Stan: Hey, I was looking for that!
    Ellen With Lucy
    Ellen With Lucy
  • Ellen: What do you have against me?!
  • [swish transition]
  • Stan: “Top Ten Things I Have Against Ellen.” Number ten: She hates dogs. That’s also reasons one through nine.
  • [swish transition]
  • Ellen: This is my third slipper in a month. Why does he only eat my slippers?
  • Avery: Mom, I’m sure you’re just exaggerating.
  • Ellen: Oh, really? He doesn’t touch your father’s slippers, and his feet, for some reason, smell naturally of ham.
  • Avery: And, I’ll add that to the list of disturbing things that I’ve learned about my parents.
  • Ellen: Well, you should knock before entering a room.
  • Avery: And you should pumice your own feet. Why do you have to do each other’s?
  • Ellen: We could dance seperately too. Some things are more fun as a couple. [pause] The point is, I have had it with that dog. I am this close to baby gating the whole place.
  • Avery: You really think that’s a good idea?
  • [swish transition]
  • [Stan jumps over baby gate]
  • [Bennett jumps over baby gate but falls down]
  • Bennett: Whoa!
  • [swish transition]
  • Avery: Did you ever think that Stan doesn’t like you because he senses that you don’t like dogs?
  • [flip transition]
  • Stan: Seriously? That’s like saying you don't like joy or smiles or arthritic squirrels, so easy to catch. But dogs are loyal and loving and provide companionship. So we chew up a few slippers... or a purse. Mmm, Prada. Haven’t had Italian in a while.
  • [theme song]
  • Bennett: Rebecca, I think we’ve made some real progress today dealing with your shyness, don’t you think? [pause] Okay, we’ll start over from square one next time.
  • Avery: Are you spying on Dad’s patient?
  • Tyler: It’s Rebecca Davis. She’s one of the prettiest girls in school, but she won’t give me time of day.
  • [swish transition]
  • Tyler: Hey, Rebecca, do you know what time it is?
  • Rebecca: [walks away]
  • [swish transition]
  • Tyler: But since she’s Dad’s patient, I can learn all about her and use that information to get her to like me. Like if she’s afraid of heights I can approach her like this. [walks stupidly]
  • Avery: But what if she’s afraid of incredibly ridiculous stupid walks?
  • Tyler: Dad will cure her. He cured that kid who thought he was a bagel.
  • Tyler: I just have to find out what’s wrong with her.
  • Avery: But, dad can’t tell you about his patients. So even if you did land an eighth with her, you have to hide it from dad. And hide it from her that he’s your dad, which means never bringing her here or telling her anything about your family.
  • Tyler: Yeah i’m seeing nothing but green lights.
  • Avery: Stan, this is not going to help you with mom.
  • Stan: How can I like her when she doesn’t like me? She calls herself a cat person. Sure she’s mainly insulting herself but how do you think that makes me feel?
  • [flip transition]
  • Avery: Mom I think Stan senses you don’t like him.
  • Ellen: I don’t, i’m a cat person.
  • Stan: [woof]
  • Avery: It does sound hurt full the way you say it.
  • Ellen: Dinners ready where’s my oven mitt.
  • Ellen: [gets oven mitt, but sticks her hand through] Are you seeing this!? That dog chews through everything of mine! I’ve had it, I can’t live like this.
  • Avery: Mom you’re upset, let’s talk about it rationally, you’ll feel better if you just sit down and relax.
  • Ellen: [sigh] ooooooohAh! [pause] He chewed through my chair!
  • Stan: Darn! I was so busy eating the buttons off her I missed it!
  • Avery: I’m sure he chewed through mine too pffffffffsh.
  • Avery: Man, these chairs are rock solid.
  • Bennett: Hahahahahahaha
  • Ellen: BENNETT! Do something!
  • Bennett: I’m on it. [takes picture on phone]
  • Ellen: Bennett! That dog has chewed through the last of my things. We are getting a dog house and we are keeping Stan in the backyard!
  • Stan: Maybe I went too far, better go hide that coat. Those buttons aren’t gonna finish their fantastic voyage until tomorrow.
  • Ellen: I will not have that dog make me look foolish in my OWN HOME!
  • [background music]
  • Avery: [sigh] Mom you still not reading that dog house catalogue are you?
  • Ellen: They have a whole section of prison themed ones for bad dogs. Can’t choose between Barkatraz or San Quintintin.
  • Avery: